Aaauuuw – I feel good!!
Inspirational tune: James Brown “I feel good” (link goes to YouTube, live 2005)
It would be a hell of a lot easier to write this in Danish, but some of you are from other countries and ggaaawwddd I just wanna share!
So – to sum things up: I have currently been on sick leave for a year, lost my job due to that, admitted to the psychiatric hospital to check for schizophrenia, got out with an Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis with “co-stars” like reoccuring depression, anxiety, self-harm, just to mention a few. If you have read anything I’ve posted before on this blog, you kinda know the issues. If we count the part-time sick leave before the psych admission, we are talking about 1½ years – and countless breakdowns throughout the past 20-30 years.
While on sick leave, I have heard multiple politicians talk about people on long term sick leave as if they just didn’t want to work. Even this morning, I saw a video on Twitter from FOX news, talking about Danish people not being motivated – I’m glad to say that one of our finer politicians actually tore that shit apart.
So here’s the thing: TODAY, actually an hour ago, I was in a meeting with my social worker and my mentor and we agreed, on my request, that she would arrange a meeting with a place called SpecialMinds (they are really tuned in on autism and ADHD traits) so that I could – in the nearest future – start going there, once a week for 3 hours.
Wow, wow, wait a minute, you might say… 3 hours a week, that’s like – nothing!
Well, first of all, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart: FUCK YOU!
Because I have clawed my way up from being literally locked inside my apartment due to anxiety, being terrified if someone knocked on my door, clawing up until I was capable of shopping for groceries on my own (granted, with earplugs to block out sounds) and maintaining a scedule of house cleaning at home. I come from a place, where life itself had lost it’s purpose. I come from a place, where I thought – and worse, believed – that I had nothing left to offer the world.
So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
Because it is THREE hours of getting away from home, of meeting new people in a controlled, autism friendly environment, of working towards the ultimate goal – which is getting back on my goddamn feet and getting by on my own without social welfare. And trust me: the 3 hours is only the beginning. It is a step up, and even though I always try to build Rome in a day, I am so fucking stoked I can’t even figure out how to stay inside my skin. Today, I’m Iron Man! Well, technically, Iron Woman, but you get it – I hope!
Really, there is no actual point to this post, other than wanting to share the good news. However, as I am writing, I am realizing that several times in this process, I have been really close at giving up. The thing that is different this time, as opposed to the past 20-30 years, is that I reached out. I asked for help. I said, out loud: “I can’t do this by myself.” A brutal process, but quite frankly, I have since been carried on dark days by love from people, who had and has my back.
So if this reaches someone in a deep struggle, know this: if you can build up the courage to reach out and ask for help – you will have taken the hardest step of the journey. The rest of it is not going to be easy. But get someone to have your back, someone you can call at 3 am and someone who will gently give you a little nodge, whenever you need it. If you can do that and have patience (because Rome did NOT get built in one day) – you will get there. One little step at the time – oh, and if anyone tries to talk you down or think little of your achievements in the process, tell them to fuck off. They are not worthy to be in your life. And you deserve to get to the point, where you feel like, you can pretty much take on the entire goddamn world.
#SPOILER ALERT# -> It feels pretty damn AMAZING!
So, there you have it. I am on my way back to employment, slowly but surely. And I just wanted to share that with you.
Have a FABULOUS day, cupcakes!
PS. Sorry mom! I will work on my language….(eventually)
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