No Smoking Field Report/Part 2/24 hours
Oh my dear friends, this is actually not even 24 hours. I stopped at 11am and it’s only 8.47am – but it sounds a little better, rather than 22 hours!
If you’ve read posts like “Litter boxes and rainbows”, you’ll know that my morning routine is pretty much essential for the rest of the day to work. This morning, I’m sort of at a loss, not really getting any mojo going. I’m confused and uneasy and things are certainly not the way they used to be. Even tapping the correct letters, writing this, seems a task not easily accomplished. And don’t get me started on auto correct! It constantly wants to change everything I write into Danish, but I’m guessing it was always like this – I’m just a lot more sensitive to it these hours.
Part of it is the craving for a cigarette, the lack of nicotine in my system. But also I realize that a part of it, maybe a larger part than I thought it would be, is caused by my Aspergers Syndrome. You see, changes are not really my friend. I need to prepare for upcoming changes to be able to function as the change takes place. We are not talking two hours – I need at least half a week, more if the change is huge. Like quitting smoking. It affects so many of my daily routines that I’m starting to get a little unhinged. And mind you, I’ve slept through 8 of those 24 hours – hey, I had a good nights sleep this time! Without meds and without walking up 3-5 times! That’s interesting! I will keep an eye on that.
But I did my morning routine, pretty much to the point. My ME-time, the few minutes before the Lady gets up, was just coffee, where it was usually coffee and a smoke. Not all too odd, but still… it was different and my brain interprets “different” as “wrong”. Something’s not right. So it starts to flinch, to get nervous and then it kinda goes all over the place, with little random thoughts in 20 different directions. That is the beginning of a melt down to me. My brain is overwhelmed, not by external stimuli as it usually is, but by an internal cascade of random and mostly irrelevant thoughts (that are not really complete, but rather fragments of the entities).
So the trick today is to keep calm and let my mind relax as much as possible. Avoid further unneeded stimuli. Maybe do some drawing to keep my hands busy and my head focused. After this, I will avoid writing anything else, because I usually smoke, while writing. You can check my review on Corey Taylor’s “You’re making me hate you”, in which I open the review by describing what I usually do, when writing these posts. Or just when writing in general. I have carrots in the fridge to go to, instead of chocolates or sweet – because I’m still on the bad side of acceptable weightwise after meds and being on sick leave. If you’ve ever quit smoking, you’ll know, that you get this odd, but immensely strong urge to stuff your mouth with something. Anything, almost! – I said almost, don’t be gross! – So I thought carrots would be a good thing to go to… except they are not cigarettes nor chocolate bars, so it’s not like I’m over the moon about it. That’s putting it mildly.
I know that stereotypically as a woman, I should be all over vegetables, smoothies and salads. I’m NOT! Sorry to break the illusion, but NO. I love the colours of it, for instance the way broccoli turns to this very clear and deep green when boiled. But you will not catch me being enthusiastic about rabbit foods. At the very least, serve fish! So suffice to say, that I really don’t know any way to replace those cigarettes that appeals to me. So I’ll need to take this outside the box. Don’t yet know HOW, but I’ll figure it out.
I will say this, though. Monday was a good day to quit. I’m mostly at home due to sick leave and my Lady is at work. So to her, it’s pretty darn good timing. I might be the cause of her first grey hair, if she was at home as much as I am. Fingers crossed, that I’ve stopped being an annoying, irritable an unhinged c***, when we hit the weekend.
And one of my cats is being highly commanding of my attention, too. He just sits there, staring, putting his paw on my arm, because I write rather than pet him. Usually this is adorable – now… that’s it. Time to hide inside the music and drawing. Shift the focus. Eat something. Drink something. I’ll get back to you later. I’d like to say that I’ll be more sane, when I get back. We’ll see about that… Best way to quit smoking…? Don’t ever fucking start! It’s probably the easiest and most simple advice there is to it!
Feel free to send hugs and encouragements… or just let me know, I’m not the only one being a bit “off”. Have a b.e.a.uuuutiful day, sunshines!
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